In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first