@charliedelta7: In case of a zombie apocalypse, I'm surrounding my house with treadmills.
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@Reverend_Scott: DOG 911: what's your emer- DOG: MY HUMAN SAID "WALK" WHILE TALKING DOG 911: so? DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG
@Gooooats: Me: What's for dinner? Wife: Casserole. Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor's prescription for tacos) We're eating tacos.
@ch000ch: me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i've got a date tonight. siri: "lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha."
@weinerdog4life: Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.