@Brentweets: "In case of emergency break glass" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag.
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@ShadyLadyHH: I'm basically Switzerland. I'm cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: "I'd like to report my guide dog missing." Cop: "Right. When did you last see him?" Ian: "I've never seen him."