doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story