IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
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Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Stop it! 😂
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Canadian owl: Eh?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.