In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
yeah no that’s fair
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?