In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)