In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.