@XplodingUnicorn: In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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@goldengateblond: Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
@Robert_Beau: You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
@envydatropic: I had a friend call to say they're on their way over. I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I'm not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call. The moral of the story? Don't answer the phone. Ever.
@girlontapas: My boss is marrying a Chinese woman. Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?