In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Sorry. Not sorry
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.