In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.