Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.