In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours