In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]