In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.