In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.