*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I saw nothing
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.