*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I’ve had relationships like this
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”