[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I like long walks away from everyone
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello