[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
You Might Also Like
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.