[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
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Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.