[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.