{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
This could be us but you eatin’
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.