[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.