[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
He-man has a Masters degree
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.