In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.