@JohnsonDiaz21: In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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@peeznuts: *pretending to talk on my phone so I don't look like a loser standing by myself* -Haha yea dude last night was craz- *phone starts ringing*
@Freudianscript: It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.
@thenatewolf: *sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers
@doktorj: *brings whipped cream to bed* Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new? Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?