In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Owl Sanctuary
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*