in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.