Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Challenge accepted.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer