In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Bring back the McRib
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.