In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
i want to work in this restaurant