Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?