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@Shot_Of_Cabo: [in DM]
She: Don't talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.
@aldomax_: Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
@ka_unplugged: When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren't available
@TheNardvark: If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."
@Fred_Delicious: if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there