In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You Might Also Like
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird