In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Where is your GOD now????
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember