i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Money is the root of all wealth
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets