Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
who will stop them
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass