(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.