(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.