In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.