@iAmDelFreaky: In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
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@OutOnTheMoors: When I was 20, a stranger ran up to me in the street and said we should get a divorce. That set the tone of weirdness for my adult life.
@TheToddWilliams: [job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That’s pr--*thump*
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
@Josievorenkamp: Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.