In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
it’s the silliest best thing
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
#ParentingFacts
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.