In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?