In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]