In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.