In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Breaking news:
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.