Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️