[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.