I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.