In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*