In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.