In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.