In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
This is hilarious….
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.